Some Poems

My moon

I’d like to feel your warmth and worship your light. Our understanding of each other is always at odds.

Half way through the month you turn the other cheek away from me.

I am constantly yearning for you.

To see your swollen glow, for it to peek itself at me,

To be closer to you.

Karmic punishment

Why has cosmic fate picked on me? I didn’t think I would be faced with wanting to pick your scabs off your hands in the summer heat.

I know that it would hurt you and satiate my urge to peel you enough to reveal your fleshy insides.

I want to see you and not your bored stare.

Your hand is trembling but it is not mine to hold anymore.

I am not your girl / I am not my girl / If I am your girl / I AM NO GIRL.

I painted my nails with red stars so I could watch them chip away along with this memory of you

See it fade with time like most things do

I want to hold my knees and become how I feel, a small person. I never imagined I could cry over you again or draw crescents into my skin with my nail beds to distract me from this feeling

by the time these little moons fade

I’ll be okay

and call this karmic fate

Untitled 1

To you, I know that I am a nuisance

I know that my clumsy existence could never hold your gaze

I think of the little girls running around in my brain dancing and prancing in a satanic way within the hollows of my skull

they hold hands and laugh and play their little games

by the time they’re done with me I’m exhausted

my beating heart can no longer race

I dip into a sorrowful state

you will never get this

I hate you for that.

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Can I only love you in early hours

When the city has stilled

when the sweat drips off my nose and salts my upper lip

enough of a reason not to kiss

when my sincerity is allowed and the insect sonnets drown my heart

the perfumed daisies grace our strolls

Can I let this feeling rest?

I only know love in your sighs

I only know love in the way your gaze pools and reflects into mine

To be swept up in the night breeze and left to dry in the morning sun

the only love I know.

Halcyon

a few summers ago

in halcyon days 

when it is just us two,

 to enjoy walks by mosquito infested creeks

do you remember helping me draw fluorescent

stars?  

i liked that you wanted to be useful to me, because i wanted to be useful to you

i liked that you enjoyed a side of me that i enjoyed too

i knew i loved you when the afternoon light painted your face 

 although I knew the amount spilled over 

 i couldn’t stop  because i wanted this moment and this point to remain still and unchanged

that feeling has touched me again 

breathing humid air has spun me into a flash delirium 

in the last hour of the night I attempt to harm myself fight an unnecessary war of love and desire

within skin cell infested sheets 

and in the dawn 

I feel I have lost

both my autonomy and sense of peace

scorned by an act of violence

flushed cheeks 

fragile touches

an attempt to regain 

myself 

my composure 

my body

my joy

 my pride

 my all  I have protected and preserved 

my everything

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For a yearning girl, desire fuels  me like a warm meal. 

I am a gluttonous child 

Waiting eagerly to be fed

tender heart

when will you let me love again

without feeling bruised 

I flossed for the first time in a long time

my gums bled so much that it scared me 

Can’t get rid of this guilty feeling

can’t wash it away

ate chicken wings at 1 AM

finished the night with custard

the kind that is so sweet it gives you cavities

the kind that made my gums bleed

cut my hair even though I’ve been whining I want it long,

It remains in an awkward stage 

check up on you even though

 I know I flinch whenever I hear your name or see your face

wanted to feel the sun today so I drove far away

to where I knew I’d find a hammock

A stupid family beat me to it

to be fair it’s a beautiful Easter day

Maybe if I had left earlier

ate healthier

stopped cutting my  hair

if I wasn’t the flower I am given

riddled with condolences 

 sinking into my regrets

I could have  laid in that hammock

and enjoyed this sunny day too

Untitled 13.

Won’t you hold me near

Can you imagine the curves of my hips fondly?

Can you feel my skin as soft and tender

instead of callous and rough?

I used to bite your lip sore, and I never noticed this bad habit of mine until I was with others

I wondered whether you found it painful and annoying like most people would

Or was it an affectionate quirk

maybe you saw it as endearing

Did your love run so deep that even my nimble fingers  which held  onto you aggressively, did not bother you?

These days,

I feel like such a nuisance

for some time I didn’t realize my awkward tendencies 

I’m so used to feeling accepted

now that you’re gone I relish in these traits

I carry them close to me

holding them gently

Love letter

Your voice is very pleasing to hear. 

although it confused me sometimes

I like the way my name sounds

when you say it

I loved that you liked a specific body wash that made you

“smell like a rain shower”

and that you had a strong devotion to the simple pleasures in your life

I loved the familiar scent that stained your clothes and comforted me when you weren’t around 

I loved the way you used to peck me with so much force that my brain shook a little 

i will never feel worthy of this feeling

the rain can cry with me

my friends can embrace me

the birds will sing to me

and the sun can kiss me warm and slow

I know my world will be okay

and someday it will be untainted, 

but this love I have felt, I am so grateful to have felt it.