Love can only be explained in incomprehensible ways, in analogies that seem unintelligible up until you experience them first hand. You find yourself on the opposite spectrums of bliss and disdain. I’ve always been fascinated by this extremity experiencing love. This is a collection; of personal excerpts, short, sweet, and bitter bites of love.

Love Bites, a short collection of words on love in a bite sized format.

Love bites

Love BITES.

1.

When you see a ceramic bear, or get a cup of coffee, that certain song comes on, October comes and I go somewhere far away where the rain falls / The leaves get crunchy. I see a wooden music box that plays a soft song. I look for you. Do you look for me too?

2.

These useless trinkets are too important to me. He’s just like me! The best 25 cents I’ve ever spent. Why do I hold these trivial things so dear?

3.

Loving you left my heart astray. I want you to own it. I want to remove her preciousness from beneath my ribcage and gift it to you, neatly wrapped with decorative red ribbon. Instead, she was left to collect dust rotting outside of my body. I can’t take her back. The gift to you that you will never receive.

4.

There’s a funky chemical that’s released in my brain every time we kiss. This is the closest I’ll get to heaven as an earthling.

5.

When you’re around I feel so small. I am an insect in your world. Stepped on and crushed. Left to crumble into oblivion. Overlooked by my killer.

6.

I miss the cold air that stings my cheeks bright red when I walk outside. My warm body hides me away. Protected within my winter clothes. My cotton wrapped heart.

7.

I know that apart of me didn’t want my existence to be obsolete to you. I feared the day that I would be a vague memory. I knew that eventually treating me apathetically would come natural to you. Often times out bitter interactions shatter any candied perception of our “love”

Despite being exposed to many indications that romance can be cruel.

I wanted so desperately for ours to be different.

8.

I’m afraid of losing sweet memories of you. I tried to remember a lot about you. Your laugh, the way my hand fit into yours, the calluses on your fingers, I would count the moles on your face, choosing my favorite one and tucking the information into the folds of my brain; safely kept. The sweetness overtook me, creeping into my ceramic tooth, poking holes into their purity. I loved the ache it gave me. It was fun while it lasted this tooth ache of mine, time to fill these holes.

When I shower I often crouch to the floor of my tub and let the scalding water burn my back

Prune my fingers raw.

Sometimes,

I like letting shampoo creep into my eyes

I like to think that the suds travel so far that they touch inside my head and wash my emotions clean.,

It stings.

When I cannot cry anymore, I pretend the water that runs down my face are copious amounts of tears that are never ending.

My theatrics get lost in translation,

Only to be understood behind my bathroom door

why do you try so hard to be what you are not 

Is it the way that love has been rough around its edges that exposes you to these weathered conditions?

i know that you are afraid of being lovely

that you fear it will cloy on another’s tongue 

i know that being a grain of sugar is fragile

  (it would scare anyone to be this delicate)

when you cry,

your seraphic tears become

tides  of messy stickiness 

that crystallize on the fuzzes of your cheeks

pulling and tugging in every direction

soft as a peach 

      with thin merlot skin 

in this small city, church bells ring 

exactly one minute before turning the hour

prayers are sung i imagine

On tonight on tomorrow there’s a blue moon there are cloudy skies. I’m unsure of a lot of things, I have less to speak about but more to mourn everyday. I hate long car rides, I kind of like them, I have a love hate for them. I can talk to myself the entire time. I have no one else to express this stagnation in my soul. I become ever more taciturn as the days go by. When I was on the way home I felt so tired, I’ve been having very sleepy car rides lately. When I’m at this point of delirium I can only be at my purest form a sullen girl.

Humid air and windows rolled down. It feels like a cold caress.

A little of me was disappointed because I know when I woke up in the morning this was something I was looking forward to momentarily. I felt myself planning in my brain what I could say to you. If we could speak and have a conversation even if it was an ephemeral moment.

I’m thankful things didn’t work out, because they never will and the universe is both hurting me and protecting me. How is that? When I am protected I am in pain. Can I be protected and rewarded in some way? Instead? Or is it patience that will reward me. It’s been a year, isn’t that weird?

my body, my body, my body

My body full of love to bottle up

my body, my limbs

that I’d like to remove

my chest that I would like to cut off

my silhouette I wish for it to disfigure

for my body is my cage and my cage is in a chrysalis state

I would like to be a morpho butterfly 

ever changing, I’d like to reflect the light 

that shines on me

I’d like to be a deep prism of blue

i’d like to be beautiful and cherished by you

I’d like to be considered a worldwide rarity

To be put in a little picture frame

 And hung against ivory walls

i’d like for my crisp green envy to shed

my body with all it’s bumps and bruises

my dear body

My moon

I’d like to feel your warmth and worship your light. Our understanding of each other is always at odds.

Half way through the month you turn the other cheek away from me.

I am constantly yearning for you.

To see your swollen glow, for it to peek itself at me,

To be closer to you.

Karmic punishment

Why has cosmic fate picked on me? I didn’t think I would be faced with wanting to pick your scabs off your hands in the summer heat.

I know that it would hurt you and satiate my urge to peel you enough to reveal your fleshy insides.

I want to see you and not your bored stare.

Your hand is trembling but it is not mine to hold anymore.

I am not your girl / I am not my girl / If I am your girl / I AM NO GIRL.

I painted my nails with red stars so I could watch them chip away along with this memory of you

See it fade with time like most things do

I want to hold my knees and become how I feel, a small person. I never imagined I could cry over you again or draw crescents into my skin with my nail beds to distract me from this feeling

by the time these little moons fade

I’ll be okay

and call this karmic fate

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To you, I know that I am a nuisance

I know that my clumsy existence could never hold your gaze

I think of the little girls running around in my brain dancing and prancing in a satanic way within the hollows of my skull

they hold hands and laugh and play their little games

by the time they’re done with me I’m exhausted

my beating heart can no longer race

I dip into a sorrowful state

you will never get this

I hate you for that.

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Can I only love you in early hours

When the city has stilled

when the sweat drips off my nose and salts my upper lip

enough of a reason not to kiss

when my sincerity is allowed and the insect sonnets drown my heart

the perfumed daisies grace our strolls

Can I let this feeling rest?

I only know love in your sighs

I only know love in the way your gaze pools and reflects into mine

To be swept up in the night breeze and left to dry in the morning sun

the only love I know.

Halcyon

a few summers ago

in halcyon days 

when it is just us two,

 to enjoy walks by mosquito infested creeks

do you remember helping me draw fluorescent

stars?  

i liked that you wanted to be useful to me, because i wanted to be useful to you

i liked that you enjoyed a side of me that i enjoyed too

i knew i loved you when the afternoon light painted your face 

 although I knew the amount spilled over 

 i couldn’t stop  because i wanted this moment and this point to remain still and unchanged

that feeling has touched me again 

breathing humid air has spun me into a flash delirium 

in the last hour of the night I attempt to harm myself fight an unnecessary war of love and desire

within skin cell infested sheets 

and in the dawn 

I feel I have lost

both my autonomy and sense of peace

scorned by an act of violence

flushed cheeks 

fragile touches

an attempt to regain 

myself 

my composure 

my body

my joy

 my pride

 my all  I have protected and preserved 

my everything

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For a yearning girl, desire fuels  me like a warm meal. 

I am a gluttonous child 

Waiting eagerly to be fed

tender heart

when will you let me love again

without feeling bruised 

I flossed for the first time in a long time

my gums bled so much that it scared me 

Can’t get rid of this guilty feeling

can’t wash it away

ate chicken wings at 1 AM

finished the night with custard

the kind that is so sweet it gives you cavities

the kind that made my gums bleed

cut my hair even though I’ve been whining I want it long,

It remains in an awkward stage 

check up on you even though

 I know I flinch whenever I hear your name or see your face

wanted to feel the sun today so I drove far away

to where I knew I’d find a hammock

A stupid family beat me to it

to be fair it’s a beautiful Easter day

Maybe if I had left earlier

ate healthier

stopped cutting my  hair

if I wasn’t the flower I am given

riddled with condolences 

 sinking into my regrets

I could have  laid in that hammock

and enjoyed this sunny day too

Untitled 13.

Won’t you hold me near

Can you imagine the curves of my hips fondly?

Can you feel my skin as soft and tender

instead of callous and rough?

I used to bite your lip sore, and I never noticed this bad habit of mine until I was with others

I wondered whether you found it painful and annoying like most people would

Or was it an affectionate quirk

maybe you saw it as endearing

Did your love run so deep that even my nimble fingers  which held  onto you aggressively, did not bother you?

These days,

I feel like such a nuisance

for some time I didn’t realize my awkward tendencies 

I’m so used to feeling accepted

now that you’re gone I relish in these traits

I carry them close to me

holding them gently

Love letter

Your voice is very pleasing to hear. 

although it confused me sometimes

I like the way my name sounds

when you say it

I loved that you liked a specific body wash that made you

“smell like a rain shower”

and that you had a strong devotion to the simple pleasures in your life

I loved the familiar scent that stained your clothes and comforted me when you weren’t around 

I loved the way you used to peck me with so much force that my brain shook a little 

i will never feel worthy of this feeling

the rain can cry with me

my friends can embrace me

the birds will sing to me

and the sun can kiss me warm and slow

I know my world will be okay

and someday it will be untainted, 

but this love I have felt, I am so grateful to have felt it.

Who knew the brain could be as fickle as the heart.

Some days I wake up in a dream state

Today I hit my head so hard that my eyes began to well up, I wanted someone to kiss my bruised forehead and make the pain stop; even though I know it would just hurt the same.

I did some uncharacteristic things today,

I pressed on my wound until my brain felt like it was being squashed !

I want my head to split open and pour my troubled mind away. The pain wont stop, I want it’s tenderness to remain.